The downfall of the world as we know it.

Dear planet earth,

 I'm upset with you. Not the normal, "It so hot outside, you suck earth." kind of upset, its even worse. Wait, I'm not mad at you earth, just disappointed. How dare you? This shenanigans has gone on long enough, and i intend to end this craze right now.

Pillow Pets are neither a pillow nor a pet! These dumb fluffy things serve no function and are the downfall of the world as we know it. Lets examine this menace to society part at a time.

First part- Pillow.
When I call something a pillow, i expect a few things in return. first, I expect that it be think enough to actually lift my head off of the bed. Second, it is not a pillow if there is no pillow case. That's just disgusting. Everyone slobbers at least a little bit when they're asleep. Show me someone who says they don't, and I'll show you someone who is full of bologna. And if you can't wash the pillow case, the next night you just sleep in your own slobber. This is unsanitary and I want no part of it.

Second part- Pet.
My pet wiener dog Frank is a pet. My goldfish Dwayne is a pet. I know we set the bar pretty low with the pet rocks in the 80's, but at least a pet rock can defend your home if someone ever broke in. If you threw your pet rock at an intruder, he might leave. Throw your pillow pet at an intruder and he will probably tickle you to death before he steals your TV. Pillow pets cannot fetch, swim, lick your feet, or even pee on the carpet. Well, at least my moose pillow pet hasn't done any of those things yet. But Moosie is different, she's adorable.